MY DIARY??? WHY R U LOOKING
Haven safeguards this for me, but you are free to browse my day-to-day musings. Treat it with care, you have my heart.
I went on a little weekend holiday that was mostly sponsored by my girlfriend! A birthday gift! Where we pretend to be tourists! Cosplaying luxury for just a weekend and then eating grass for the next half of the year!
She got us a hotel stay somewhere near CBD, and we spent most of the 2 days we were there exploring town and seeing what the hype was about. My birthday gift really was just walking through shophouses and going into little stores, which is exactly what I like haha. Here to hype up my amazing partner.
...I will say, there's an air of modern and hip and expensive where we went (we passed by SO many cafes that sold roughly the same things), but I guess that's what we get for going to the more touristy areas that uh...seem to target youths (pointing a finger at myself: me????) Still enjoyed it because it's such a novelty.
I have some level of desire to explore older places like Chinatown but I walked into an older mall in the evening where things were slower, and the shop owners had their eyes turned to their doors like a hawk seeking prey. Didn't want to get drawn into a conversation where I had to turn people down in broken chinese so I tried to hurry along -- which my girlfriend didn't want. In the end, for this mall adventure we spent most of it looking outside closed shops at interesting antiques. I did snag some square clothes at a discounted price! I'm...really only in this area for fabrics, I realise.
Bookstore
I did get to go into some cool places though. I went into a bookstore and snagged a book called The First Bright Thing. It was set in a circus (that's what got me to pick it up) with people who were magical (!!!) and the ringmaster has a wife. Reading that in the summary solidified that I must read it.
Queer books being sold are...I think increasing? I'm not confident in saying there's an active censor (who the fuck am i kidding lol there totally is), but I don't tend to find them at the bigger chain bookstores, so this was a nice find.
Record Store
We also happened across a vinyl record store with a talkative and passionate uncle. I was looking up at a shelf where a collection of CDs and cassette tapes were, and I dragged over a stepladder for me to browse without craning my neck. I found a Kenshi Yonezu and Naruto (NARUTO??) tape and yoinked (bought) them before I could think twice.
Later, when I got home, I found out my old radio can barely play the tapes and it broke my heart. I'm still trying to figure out why, because the audio still makes it through but what comes out of the speaker is this horrible buzz. I looked it up - it might be because there's other electronics nearby? So I'll be sussing the cause out. I really want this to work and I truly do NOT want to get a player just for this.
We got to chat with the uncle when the store got a bit quieter, and found out that he has been collecting vinyls for basically 30 years. He showed us a mat that he got from the States (from LA?) and explained that this was a popular thing to collect mats of different designs. That's so cool.
Hm, the only collection of things I actively built over the years were my Warrior Cat books. I remember having to actively hunt each book down at different second-hand bookstores - I think the auntie at the store I frequented started to recognise me and looked out for the books when they came in, too. It's a nice memory.
Anyway, he also snuck in a sales pitch about the turntable he's selling. Me and my girlfriend were enamoured enough to consider it seriously; we didn't have the budget for it this trip, but I've been meaning to get a turntable for...close to a year? It's an expensive hobby to form, and I won't deny I'm only keen on it because my late grandfather has a HUGE collection, and I would like to continue it in his memory.
...I could get the one at my grandparent's house. He was a tech geek and liked collecting audio devices among other things, and it's all collecting dust... But I don't feel great about ridding my extended family of the living room turntable just yet. When I'm there, I try to put something on so that it gets some use, and I like to think that they enjoy it too. It's been nice hearing them talk about some of their contributions to the records cabinet.
I did conveniently forget that turntables need a speaker and an amplifier to work, so I probably won't be getting it for...a while. Maybe I can find people who are selling these second-hand, or dig deep in my gramps collections of devices. In the meantime I'll just get my radio to work.
I just walked past a McDonald's and glanced in. All order kiosks and no counter. Have we really hit that point? No human service workers? To be honest I haven't paid attention to it since I stopped eating it years ago but this feels...weird.
IM CRYING I STOPPED BY A PASTRY STORE TO GET COOKIES AND THE LADY GAVE ME A COOKIE ON THE HOUSE people are nice...the world is kind...
Bakery
We also hit a few bakeries/cafes just to see what's in there. My girlfriend is familiar with the neighbourhood because she works there, so she brought me to a place that she calls "the lesbian bakery" because two ladies work there and one is very clearly a butch. We don't actually know if they are a couple, but it's a nice thought. Wlw...owns a small bakery...in a quaint (expensive) neighbourhood that's mostly slow...
...I had the best chocolate cookie there. It was so good. I need to eat it again stat.
We stayed long enough for other people to come in, the shop is small and the seats all kinda hug the walls. A guy came in and had a conversation with the baker, something about trying to buy a house in the area and having a deal fall through. I entertained a brief fantasy where I could relate to the struggle of buying a house in an area where they easily cost upwards to 4 million dollars, but that's the bitter part of me speaking. I don't know what this guy's situation is, who am I to judge?
A rotating group of customers filtered in, all somewhat familiar with the bakers which was great to bask in. We didn't have time to chat them up because they meant to be closing soon and - frankly started to look like they were just entertaining conversation to be polite. So we left with a thank you and continued exploring the streets.
The rest of the trip...
Some quick overviews of the places we went to, because it was many:
...and the Pokemon Artist Alley
For this day (not that I was really going in any order), I asked to visit an artist alley that was pokemon themed. I was invited to register a while back because I made pokemon merch, but declined due to...my birthday trip lol.
I ended up meeting,,, a LOT of people I knew. At this point I was building a headache and could not stand the bright lights, so it wasn't great but the interactions made up for it. I said hi to old classmates from art school, bumped into an ex-coworker who asked to hug me (thank you!) and online mutuals!
This interaction was particularly flattering, they called me senpai and I went aaaaaaa noo!!! Something about being the very few artists who made Warrior Cat merchandise too, I guess. And they get to be artists I get WC merch from too!!! Because for the most part all I have is my own!!! We stood around chatting about what the series has come to, where Tawnypelt has a crush on Crowfeather (noooo!!!) until I could not ignore my headache and had to bounce.
Before I left, I stopped by my friend's booth to say bye.
And she said: hey. Hey do u want this stamp. We have a stamp rally we got stamps. (It was bespoke pokemon stamps for the event)
And I went: yes, yes here is my sketchbook pls i want the stamp
Her: nice do u want my booth partners stamp. Actually do u want the stamp from the artist behind me, actually give me your sketchbook ill ask them-
And she RAN OFF WITH MY BOOK TO GATHER THE ALL THE STAMPS!!! IT WAS VERY KIND,,, i am surrounded by many good people and I never know how to show how grateful I am.
Back to Room - Fireworks
After this it was just.
I went to my hotel room and turned off all the lights. Napped a little.
And remembered that there was a firework display not too far from us, that was probably just barely viewable from our vantage point. (We had a city facing view from a high floor, purely out of luck). So I swallowed a pain-killer and hunkered down with her by the window to watch the fireworks in the city.
We only saw uh, the back of it? Like they had supporting fireworks on the side to compliment the main show? That's what we saw, but it was pretty cool. It was a great way to end the day.
Others
I don't really know how else to expand this, not in a way that makes chronological sense but maybe I'll, just:
That's...all! That's all. I took about 4 train trips over 3 days to write all of these down because it was just so much to go over.
Other Others
Other things are happening, like Worlds Beyond Number: The Witch, The Wizard and the Wild One ending its first season on such an epic note, or that I am struggling to lock into making merch for the convention that is happening in a little over a month.
But that's for another time! I'll close this off. Phew.
Other Other Others
An add note...
Listened to this video about media journalling and how it improves cognitive stuff in our brain space, just by virtue of putting in effort to explain why we like things. (On linking this when I'm home...I realised this video touches on philosophical thinking? I had it on in the background while working. Maybe I could look into what that actually entails.)
I guess it's why I'm wanting to read books, to write this journal, to articulate feelings that I've been scared to sound out. Everything has been so rusty...so I really hope this forces my brain back into line.
I'm thinking about having a section to just...air out what I think about certain topics? I've seen some sites list it as 'articles' but maybe my idea of it is more of an opinion piece. It's a little scary, after being kinda raised on platforms like twitter where you can get razed to the ground for saying something barely out of context. But I want to start making an effort to iron out my thoughts into something coherent instead of garbage noise.
Okay that's it for real. Bye!
This morning, when uncapping my toothpaste tube, a little delightful bubble popped out and floated around. It's a novel thing to have happen, a great way to start the day when I'm still bleary and wishing I didn't have to clock in. Here's a bubble, as a treat.
...this feels important to log too. I'm not known to be the most consistent uh, diary? Blog writer? I have my logs of my everyday scattered in multiple note apps or actual notebooks ( I had a stinct where I was writing in my journal with a cheap fountain pen...I did not continue because it strained my hand too much.) But while the writing bug has got me, here I am haha.
...
As I was writing this, I found out my usual train encountered a fault and I may have to change route. That bubble might be the last good thing today.
Art
I had Grady Frederick's video playing in the background that resonated with me. He's a concept artist who puts out videos of his art and doing commentary about the process, or talking about life.
Quick tangent, he is one of the concept artists on youtube that I can stand who also explains his thought processes. He talks about the emotional and more intangible parts of creating as well, which tend to be the biggest mental blocks for me.
In this video, he mentioned how he's making an effort to approach personal art differently from professional work. The whole part where he talks about industry standards seeping into his personal works and thus, self-worth...oof. Okay, I'm in this picture and I don't like that.
But ah, I hope to get to that point too. Grady is very intentional in the way he approaches his art and where he wants to take it, which is admirable! Focused in a way I don't want to be for my personal works because uh. I like improving, I like experimenting, I hope I'm not wrong in thinking that I'm a person who enjoys learning because it gives me a sense of achievement. But for the life of me, if it somehow ties back to it being helpful for a company I lose all interest immediately so it's just safer to enforce a boundary by being haphazard and batshit about my process. Rule breaking in every where I care for.
If I'm improving it's going to be for me! It will always be self-serving! I will not pretend to want to learn just to be more useful cog in the machine! (Companies don't actually give a shit, but I need to believe this so I can sleep at night.)
Woodpecker
I encountered a Common Flameback Woodpecker today on the way to the office! The woodpecker flitted from tree to tree along my journey, hanging off the side of it by it's talons. I like to think it was following me for a time, but it was more likely the other way around. Sorry, we were walking in the same direction!
I didn't get a picture of it, nor did I know what it was until I searched it up. Here's a very nice picture of it that I couldn't hope to replicate lol:
It's a little dumb, but I didn't know we had woodpeckers. I usually encounter mynahs, rock pigeons, mourning doves or crows...oh, and the occasional roaming chicken. Sometimes a hornbill or kingfisher. Wow, we have many birds. I've seen kites from a great distance but never up close, and I can't forget about Koels..they wake me up in the morning...wait im going off tangent. Yeah, never occurred to me that woodpeckers lived here too. Cool discovery!
Pre-Birthday Dinner
Ended the day with my family and girlfriend at a nice local place. Had dinner together to celebrate my birthday...which is tomorrow! I'll be 27 officially,, haha,, ha.
I have no real feeling beyond 'cool!', but it's better than the previous years where all I felt was an empty numbness. The people around me have helped make it feel like it's worth something, and I'm thankful for that.
I just got a memory foam pillow. This feels important to record down, somehow.
Hehe. Ever since I had the opportunity, I've been treating myself to things that make my life more comfortable. For example, one of my best purchases this year (consumerism, ho!) was my weighted blanket, truly life changing in a way that lived up to the hype. I managed to rally my family into trying it too, and while dubious at first, everyone ended up going "hm!". Massive hit with the crowd.
I'm hoping this one, the pillow, is life-changing too. I was pushed to get it because for...maybe too long, I've been waking up with a sore neck that will eventually lead to headaches. I'll track my progress once I have enough data haha.
today i was told that i probably, most certainly, suffer from migraines!
it explains...a few things. A lot of things, actually, reframing some sick days that came about seemingly out of nowehere. By far, this was the worst episode I've had where I genuinely could not do any more than stay very still in the dark and hope the pain goes away (it does not).
Currently I'm on sick leave and it's on a day where I can bear to look at a screen again. Stil tired, but I'll take whatever break I can get.
I'm trying to find some humour in it; the onset of the migraine started when I was playing Deltarune Chapter 2...for some reason it's always when I am playing a game that I get extremely sick??I know it's because of the screentime but damn. Can't enjoy my time without some pain, huh.
Other things??
I just watched a video where this guy trains a bird to repeat a song with a spectogram of a bird. Nature is pretty cool!
Omg it has been a while, it's always a little hard to play catch-up after such a long time.
Jungle Trek
Me and my DnD mates went to find an abandoned bunker in buttfuck nowhere, just because my girlfriend found it randomly on Google maps.
It's been travelled to before, people have explored it. But generally it is not exactly uh, conserved and left out to the elements. I don't know why I didn't expect this, but I truly believed it was the sort of place that had a well trodden path. The same way national parks do? A dirt road...
...
No it was not it was in the BUSH. The way in was marked by red ribbons tied onto trees and my crew passed by it TWICE.
We managed to go in; once we made it past the initial foliage of the outer jungle, it was clear there was a suggestion of a path inside. Ngl my enthusiasm died the moment I saw it was truly quite wild, but walking in and stepping over huge branches was...fun? It was fun. I didn't mind getting a little dirty and nasty. My friends weren't having a great time because of mosquitoes though...
We reached the bunker tunnel, or at least one entrance of it that was...buried in dirt up to its ceiling. Kneeling down, we could kinda see that if you crawled in there was a drop that opened into a bigger space...
...but without equipment, and also the fact that no one (except my girlfriend) was willing to crawl thru some nasty small crawlspace into a dig stinky hole that leads who knows where. At this point I and the others have reached our "YEA adventured out", and exited, since this was way beyond our expectations. My gf was a little disappointed that our trip ended up being cut short because we ran into one obstacle and gave up there, but I'll take it as a chance to rally and prepare for next time haha.
We trekked to a nearby park (thank god for civilisation at the tip of the island????) and I got stung by a bee :)
Adventured out. This is enough outdoors for the city kid.
A little sad we couldn't hang for longer because I was worried I would react badly, so I wanted to head home and down antihistamines. But idk I think our DnD crew (except again, my gf, who has proven to be quite a goblin) was in the same boat. Maybe we'll keep our adventures online lmao.
Crafts?
I've been having trouble piecing together my zines, namely even starting it...
The deadline is creeping closer, and I'm worried that I won't make it in time. I really want to make this work because it's uh, the few new things I would be stocking my art booth with.
Never underestimate your day job I guess. It WILL leave you exhausted.
OH.
OH.
SPEAKING OF.
Day Job.
I'M!!! ON A CREDIT ROLL!!! OF A SHOW THAT HAS A HUGE FRANCHISE!!! (That scares the shit out of me but I also cannot help but feel proud!!)
Genuinely pleasantly surprised because I thought the show would just, flash the logo of my studio and leave it as that. Oftentimes outsourced production houses barely get mentioned, so for it to name all of us...
...Is really cool!
It also uh. Gave me an IMDB page??? Who is keeping tabs my god. Anyway that was an exciting week -- I don't think I've ever dared to dream of being in any big production, or truly ever aimed to. I always saw myself making games with a small team, just being happy with making art with people I liked.
Where I am now isn't...a HUGE production either, but more than I expected to be part of. It makes me want to dream bigger lol.
It's so interesting what this is doing to my morale? I actually want to get better at what I do, want to aim higher and grab opportunities when they pass by.
For one, I'm not flinching at the word 'portfolio' anymore and actively...want to work on it??? I'm listening to advice videos and am actually motivated instead of stressed? It makes me feel a way that I got to this point only after I got hired ,and not before when I actually needed it... too many factors to narrow down to. I think in the end, all I can be is grateful that I got such a rare opportunity so early.
I'm doing alright... the weeks have been mundane and generally pleasant.
Deltarune
Deltarune. Man. Deltarune....
It's making me make stuff again HAHA.
I've been listening to the music so much, and especially Kris' piano songs. Someone in the comments said it made them want to play again after so long and I realised...huh! They're on to something!!!
Opened my decade old piano and saw a lot of keys were sticky snjdndkdnkd. But it kinda works. I'm not sure if I'll actually put some time to relearn playing it, since my experience was so limited and I have a bazillion other things I want to do...
But it was nice, playing a little diddy on it.
If I could play even a little bit of Seven Four or Waiting Room, I'll be happy.
I'm also writing and doodling DR stuff,, if a little lost about where I want to go with this. I used...have Undertale OCs haha, I think fondly of them and had a wholeee OC plot going on. DR is a little different, since it's not finished and the story is a lot bigger?
And also,, how do you depict a SOUL without Kris in the picture. It was always going to be with them and infringing on their agency...ramblerambleyapyap. im having fun if u cant tell.
Kris
Im so surprised how much i like them. Wish we could be friends, sorry for controlling you all the time bc youre so cool how do u have so much aura and u are such a yearner it's very sweet to witness.
Not a huge shipper (LIES) but im really enjoying the throuple fan content (Krusielle). Or is it a square now(add Ralsei)? A pentagon(and Berdly?)??
idk. being able to see teens being teens, even in fiction, is satisfying in a way that heals my heart.
Music
Made another song on Bosca Ceoli. It's...getting better? All I'm doing is transcribing old tunes I made when I was younger, so I'm not really...making anything new. Still satisfying.
I really suspect I'm going to have to learn music theory fr though if I want to keep going.
Block Prints
So! Thrifted clothes, washed.
Fabric ink, bought.
I just need to get my lino stamps ready (and carve more if I want) and start block printing huhu.
I'm planning to cut up the cloths into scraped that I can sew onto other old clothing -- honestly not sure how it'll hold up, since I'm stacking material onto each other and...it's hot all year round where I live lmAO. Might be asking for trouble.
You never know until you try though!!! Let's go fuck up some stuff.
University meetup
I'm on the way back from it right now!
I mentioned this in the last entry haha, but I got to the right dinner lmao.
Had lots of fun, it's mostly a catch-up session and I'm kinda just happy to be around people I like. It's uh, nice to be surrounded by friends that are the same age range as me...
We're all talking about jobs now, which is such a change. I get to participate and kind of understand what's going on now! (Wage slave wage slave-). Things are generally uh, not great economically but I think we're mostly more than getting by. Gotta take the Ws in life.
Cynicism?
I feel like this keeps popping up. The topic of 'adulting' and accepting the reality that we are in. Which...is fine? Things suck right now, it will continue trending this way if it is not stopped. Oftentimes all it feels like you can do is grit your teeth and bear with it. But idk, I've always been...I don't think optimistic is the right word because I don't believe in people to deliver lol, not even myself. But I think we can do better anyway, if we tried. Even if it's in small ways. Perhaps the word to describe it is idealistic.
I'm trying not to cast judgement on people who really are just trying to live their life, but man. Sometimes I can't help but think we are shooting ourselves in the foot in believing we can change nothing, and thus should do nothing.
Yayy I'm a month late accordiing to my personal deadline, but it does not matter!
As of writing this entry, my neocities is finally public!!!
I've actually had everything I needed by then, but I was hoping to finish up a little uh...game. To go along with the site. It's too tricky for me to finish up in a month and I'm also just...lazy haha. So everything else goes up first!
I'm hoping to slowly pick at the mini-projects I want to include here, for example:
But idk, I think I'm quite happy with what's here right now! I'll soak in it for a bit.
In anycase, I hope you have fun looking around. A little emptier than I want it to be, but it's a start.
Wow where do I begin, this was not a bad week at all but it also feels like I got a bunch of information in the last days so it feels like a lot.
I think I'll just uh, start.
Weekend
I had a lovely Saturday of doing nothing but chores and chilling with my girlfriend. There are days every now and then where we've got nothing planned, we get up early to get the chores done and have the rest of the day to vibe. It's the best sort of days.
The next was a bit of a cluster fuck (an exggeration, it was mid at worst), but basically...
I had this inkling of a feeling, like I had to take out my tarot cards to see what's up. Is there a term for 'casually friendly with my deck?' without being into anything else related to the mystic arts? Because that'll be me. Anyway! I asked what I needed to know about today, and drew "The Lovers" and "Death" immediately (the cards were stuck together and I usually just roll with it). To say that me and my girlfriend HALTED EVERYTHING. It's not bad cards to draw at all, but definitely scary considering we were going out soon.
Later on my gf asked something along the lines of 'anything we need to know about the date' and I drew...I forgot which card, but it basically said that 'we'll have to prepare for things to not go to plan, and you're going to learn to be okay with it'. That's fine, I thought, so I joked about the cards warning her to not stress if her planned-to-the-dot date goes off by a little, since she had a tendency to stress.
BIG.FUCKING.MISTAKE.
Not even 5 minutes after the I said this, I find out that I actually had a meet-up with my university classmates!!! For lunch!!! And it was pre-booked so I didn't want to just bow out. The cards were warning her about ME!!!!!!!!!
She was fine with it. Because the cards pre-empted her. But also this sucked.
We ended up still going out to town anyway, I had some time before lunch and could reconvene afterwards since it was kind of in the same area. I'm very, very fortunate to have a girlfriend who was willing to go along with this and was fine exploring the area alone, and I love her very much and am forever surprised she's willing to put up with this. (This does not happen often, at all. But STILL.)
SO. We went down to Chinatown to join a stamp rally; it was fairly quick work getting the first few stamps since the venues were all close to each other. It was a shame that I had to rush, because it's such a lovely place with lovely people.
I fucked off to see my friends ig. (They're cool.)
Had pleasant conversations with them and uh, this is another bit of clusterfuck but not on my end at least???
My friend invited me to the wrong meetup and I ended up in a situation where- this meeting was meant to be for a small group of people who are more familiar with each other, and I was kinda expecting to be invited to a class meet. This was not the class meet, and this gathering did NOT involve me. But I'm there now???? ?? I'm guessing they had to roll with it and it's not the worst since I have had nice times with these people, and if I'm not mistaken they seem chill with me. But you know!!! It's a bit mortifying to be somewhere where no one expected you to be, and I hate overstepping.
I had to be convinced by my friend who put me in that situation that everyone was fine with it. I don't believe that but ok.
Not really sure how to gauge it? Not bad, not even close to it, but I think I'm very aware that I did not put much effort into keeping up with people from university and that eats at me. Someone mentioned this online and I think it describes how I feel in most social situations: that I will always feel like I am a guest in someone else's house, and will never fully feel like I am welcomed. So I just, don't?? Try??
Also sth sth relationships are two-ways. I think we just enjoy the time we have together whenever that is, and that's enough lol.
Uh, so. Meet-up done! I also finally got added to the correct one too.
Went back to my girlfriend, who had wandered around and chilled at a cat cafe. We continued our stamp hunt.
I got to talk to someone who worked at the tea shop there; I'm looking into some...beginner friendly tea? My coworker introduced me to his Pu'er collection and I was impressed enough to check it out for myself. Loose leaves are meant to be more affordable but uh, these were out of my price range lol. But the staff were really nice and recommended some that fit my tastes more, and mentioned that I could ask them to brew a little just to taste. We has to run off to the next stop (we had a thrift store sales to hit too), but I got the shop's handle and would love to come back again.
Also bought some chinese medicine for my mum.
Finished the stamp rally, saw a bunch of chinese uncles gathered around two who were duking it out on the chess table. Their pieces were all substituted with green and yellow bottle caps. God, I love Chinatown. We got free postcards from completing the rally!
Ran off to catch a train to the thrift store. There was a huge sales deal that my gf did not want to miss, and I just like thrifting. It was in such a....building with character. Cramped hallways and closed stores, but the basement had so much life. There were two food stalls, a coffee place and a bakery, that had seats cramped on one side of the hallway - it smelled divine. The lady in charge of the thrift store greeted us as we came up, handed us bags immediately (it was a 'stuff as much as you want in this bag for $10' sorta deal.) I ended up...filling my bag with fabric I thought I could use for scraps. I've been on the lookout for scrap fabrics that I can block print on, so sew onto other clothes. And buying jackets that were not part of the sales lol. My gf filled hers with clothing that's fitted for winter.
After this romp, we tried to get a place to sit down and snack at. But at this point we were tired and just wanted to go home. So we did!
Pretty hectic day, but I guess now that I'm not in it I would consider it well spent.
...Then I got home.
Cousin
I think I'll keep this part short since it's not my story to tell.
But uh, basically my cous,,,hasn't gone overseas yet? And the why and what and hows of what led up to this abrupt, life-changing decision stemmed from much deeper issues.
All I can say is that I'm worried about my cousins, and I want to offer help where I can. It's good to know that you're seen as an adult figure that they trust enough to approach, but also there's some pain in knowing that someone this young has to be brave so fast.
And I need to keep an eye out for them.
Job
This is entirely a non-sequiter, I have no real way of pivoting from the above.
I got...a contract renewal! For 2 years! Which is not what I was expecting at all, but in this economy I'll take it. It was a pleasant surprise, especially after all my uncertainty. I won't celebrate just yet because I haven't signed off on it, but...it's there. I have many thoughts about being in creatives (animation, specifically) and I'll probably tackle it in another entry. But uh, yea! Happy news on this front.
Others
Got accepted into an art market. Gonna be crunching because I only have 2 months to prep and I have not worked on anything new for a year.
I also started playing around with a music program called Bosca Ceoli! I have no formal music training (besides like, idk a few weeks of Pop music piano classes when I was 12), so I am totally green to music making. I've tried my hand with it when I was a teen, importing piano midis of songs I made and fixing it up in FL Studios...genuinely thought I could be the full game dev team by being the programmer, artist and musician. Idm being fueled by hubris if it meant I was picking up something new haha.
The program is simple enough to pick up, but I truly am just going off vibes and it's...uh, not working out. I think I need to learn music theory lol.
.......also did I mention I started using Twine again???
(Many things!! All at once. My progress is slow but at least I am free.)
had a nice weekend :D
Did wheel-throwing pottery with my girlfriend, found out it's actually quite hard. The instructor had to come over multiple times to help me, but overall I had fun.
Spent the rest of that day wandering around the city, snagged a father's day gift (a scented candle!) and went to a pasta place I've never tried before. It was really nice...I would like to go again.
Idk why but I was ravenous that day, kept eating food. I don't have the besttt relationship with food and have a small appetite, but over the years it has gotten much better! ( Turns out if you don't stress or punish someone for not eating and letting them figure out what they like or not, opens a lot of doors! Also trying to navigate sensory issues slowly and again, this helps a lot. Do you know I used to avoid eating vegetables altogether? Or even pasta? Now I like them. It's quite bizarre.)
We took it as a win.
Wowow, many things happened in the last 2 weeks. I'm going to attempt Structuring my blogs now because I have a tendency to ramble.
To start with where I'm at currently....
I'm on leave today just for kicks. It's the long drought in the middle of the year where there's no public holidays, so I'm making the holidays lol. Been meaning to take a break and I'm happy to spend it chilling next to my girlfriend, who unfortunately is still on the clock. At home. Remote work is cool actually.I'm going to take the chance to catch up on my chores and indulge in my hobbies! Tomorrow we'll be going on a Pottery Date, so I'm looking forward to that, too.
Swimming
I WENT!!!! I got in the water and froze up immediately after realising I do not...actually remember how to even breathe. My colleagues were very supportive and helped run me through the steps of getting used to being in the water again, and I practiced in the corner of the lap pools haha.
Eventually I got the hang of it and managed to swim like, half-lap distances that turned into quarter laps because it was exhausting. I used to do 20 laps as a kid and still had the energy to keep going???? What the fuck was I on at 12??? This experience humbled me so much, I need to work out.
But it was really fun, I enjoyed it so much that I'm considering making this a bi-weekly thing. I got to go get dinner afterwards with my colleagues and had a generally pleasant time -- I don't hang out very much or talk with them outside of work, so this is a first.
Cousin Outing
I brought my younger cousins, a brother and sister, to an Escape room, as a semi "Goodbye outing before you leave to study overseas" event but also just to have fun. Neither of them have gone before!! Wild!! It's not the first time we introduced them to things (like the arcade...do kids not go to the arcade?? I must correct that and introduce them to Taiko No Tatsujin or the washing machine game.)
We started off with a nice lunch outside the venue (which is at a science center), then immediately had to run to the escape rooms because apparently we had to be there 15 mins earlier!!! Staff were super cool people, locked us in two glass boxes and didn't tell us the game already started.
I feel like I shouldn't go into the deets of the escape room because that kills the spirit of it, so just...in broadstrokes we kinda sucked at first HAHA. We couldn't escape the first room for a solid 15 minutes, but each little discovery of the clues were so electrifying. The kids had fun decoding ciphers and getting sequences right. We didn't escape in the end because we got to the last room with about 1 minute left to spare, and it was in that moment as well that we found out...we lost the walkie talkie the staff gave us for clues. Spent the last 30 seconds frantically finding it, because I mean. It sucks that we couldn't finish it, but we probably weren't able to anyway, and losing the property of the venue's?? Huge nono, very bad.
The staff came in and just talked into their walkie. We found it in the ball pit.
...BUT we got real close and I think for a first attempt, it was pretty good! I think in the end all of us were just happy to have fun.
Outside the escape rooms, we tried to do a photobooth thing for keepsakes. It was...expensive, $10 for one strip, but I figured it's worth it. EXCEPT!!! We went in after paying and found out the camera was skewed in it's protective case, which meant that it couldn't capture all of us unless we squished into a corner. After lots of panicked screaming as the countdown ran out and we struggled to pose for each shot, we got 4 very interesting pictures that were half blocked out. It was so disastrous, but so funny. Definitely something to bring up if we looked back at it.
We spent the rest of the day exploring the venue, watched a show where they put a guy in a metal cage to be zapped by a Tesla coil. While he was seated so perfectly still in his chair, the MC addressed the kids gathered:
MC: "Alright, everyone, let's put your right hand up...and let's all wave to him: Hello!"
A chorus of children: "Hello!!!"
MC: "Fantastic! Now, let's do it one more time; raise your right hand again...and wave to him: Bye-bye!"
The kids, gleefully: "BYE-BYE!!!!"
He's fine btw.
But that got a chuckle out of us.
We went over to a nearby mall to chat and get some Bingsu. Followed them on their detour as they ran their errands, and went home. I should be seeing my youngest cousin one more time before she flies off, we're not actually sure... but I think however it goes it'll be alright.
Deltarune
I spent a day to finish it because I KNOW I will be useless if I don't. By the end of it, it got me really nostalgic for my Undertale phase...Like I know the story is progressing, and I am always at the edge of my seat to find out what else the story is going to throw at us.
...But also once, I was 17 and picked up Undertale because I saw Temmie post about it on her tumblr, and went "Oh! Supoprt indie, let's gooo" and it changed my fucking life. Didn't know Toby Fox, didn't know UT was an anticipated kickstarter project. Made it everyone's problem in the following year.
(You know, when you were so insane over something once you can't look at it again for a really long time? That's Undertale for me. I get too overwhelmed by my emootions I just avoided it for years after, but recent'y it's gotten better lol. The fandom...and some things that happened when I engaged in it did turn me away. But it's the past...)
Engaging in Deltarune now, when I'm older and perhaps just don't have the energy or space to be super engaged is definitely different. I'm more content just experiencing it as it is, happy to be here...watching the story unfold instead of being part of it. (Which I guess is the point?)
Oh! But it's getting me to doodle again. I attribute a lot of my artistic and writing improvements to UT because of how much it inspired me to make things, so to see this still be true now is quite something.
Also idk this guy is fun.
Others...
I've got nothing. Maybe something. I subscribed to WBN's patreon and am blowing through their fireside chat?It's motivating me to try plan my campaigns again - probably going to dedicate today towards that.
Happy Pride!
Halfway through the year, I'm surprised I got here. Not really sure what to expect in the next half, but I hope it is uneventful.
I'm trying to dig up my day-to-day that isn't just work and comatosing afterwards. My memory is pretty horrible so this makes it difficult...but this is an attempt.
I ammm thinking of applying to art markets again! Nothing confirmed because it's still in the talks with my friends (if we are all going, we're hoping to stack our tables together to make a huge booth), but still exciting. I've been wanting to pivot my merch to zines so this is my chance to indulge ; though zines about what? Who know! My notes app is full of half-baked ideas so maybe I'll dig around for something I'm still interested in. Also to maybe expand my sticker catalogue because right now it's quite limited. I know I would like to start doing wooden keychains, though...about what? I have no idea. Maybe I'll keep it to what I already have.
My cousin came back for a week (she works in Japan) and I got to talk to her for a grand total of 5 minutes before she had to leave. It was stilted in the way where you're not used to talking to a person, but are trying to have a conversation anyway. I think she's happier though, and that's the most important part.
I'm going to say goodbye to another soon, a younger cousin who is moving to Australia for studies. My sister and I are going to bring her out before she flies off and...idk! It's bittersweet and it's scary, but I hope we give her one good memory at home before she goes to a new one. I feel...hm, it's a little sad how half the family I grew up with are now overseas. We're all just going about life, but I think I'm always gonna wish I have a little more time with everyone.
(I just passed by a child, running a plastic card through the railings that blocked off a canal and smiling as it goes taktaktak. I saw an older man do this too, on the way back from my office. Humans are cool.)
Okay I shouldn’t get so sentimental in the morning.
continued later, after the day has ended.
I am perpetually held hostage by the whims of my boss. I will not elaborate.
Anyway! I'm excited to go swimming again; I was convinced by my colleagues to join them and I'm finally heading into the waters after...13 years!! Of not going swimming.
My reasons of stopping was mostly to do with what I now recognise as Gender Dysphoria, but also just being an awkward teenager who was going through awkward changes and Didn't Want to be mostly bare in public. It took maybe too long for me to realise I can just buy a swim suit that covered everything, but vy then I had no real incentive.
I won't deny, the main reason why I finally agreed was because my knee starting doing this funny, popping thing where it clicks and feels like it's about to fall out. Hopefully being in the water uh, helps that. So my knee doesn't give way randomly.
Progress has halted with Haven's model, I got to weight painting and realised:
I think there's better ways that I have not learnt yet, so I'm gonna take a step back and try to rig other simpler shapes just to get used to what Blender can offer. I'm still stuck on the method I learnt in school, which was putting weights on vertexs in 3dsMax. It's always frustrating having to relearn something you already should know, but I'll get through it.
I also...hm. There's another issue that'll take too long to explain, but to sum up: I modelled Haven's eyes and eyelashs separatedly, and now can't find a way to parent it to the head bone. His head rotates with the bone, but not the eyes.
...I might take multiple steps back, haha. But at least I found out how to model and texture something.
I haven't gotten a chance to fiddle with normal maps and the like; does Blender have an in-program baking system? Can we sculpt a high poly model and bake it into a lower one? I'm quite excited by the prospects, because having Blender be an all in one means I don't have to try pirate Substance Painter haha.
(I did hear Marmoset Toolbag was robust too, but haven't personally used it for anything other than a turnaround and material previewer. Because...it looks cool. When you are able to export and let people view your model.)
Right, um...I forgot where I was going with this! I'm taking detours with my Blender journey, I guess. My dreams of having a little Haven model to pose and do silly gifs of remains a distant dream...
Oh right, progress pic. Not everything went sideways. I learnt how to make a cel-shaded shader and got reintroduced to PHOTOSHOP TEXTURINGGG (I haven been spoiled by Substance Painter). Also learnt a really ham way to control textures for facial expressions -- I feel like using it may run me into problems BUT it's a good start. I'm just happy to be learning so much.
Dusted off blender and made...this!
I haven't done a 3D model since my uni days. So this is an achievement haha. It's amazing how much making this site it pushing me to do things I 'always wanted to do', having a concrete goal post is a great motivator.
Doing this is extremely validating to me, a person who generally has trouble finishing anything without external pressure, and often would feel shame in never committing to a project. There's always this bitter aftertaste as well, of knowing that I was always able to achieve all of these but because of being disillusioned with what I -should- be doing, wasted a lot of time running around panicking and ultimately became a depressed burnt out lump for 2 years.
I talk about that time often because it affected me so much, and this year, in a place that I've -always- wanted to be in... I'm spending a lot of time deconstructing what happened, what didn't, and what I want out of all of this.
I've been listening to a lot of Creative Block while I'm working in the office, and it's been so inspirational and heart soothing in a way I haven't felt...ever lol.
Hearing Danny Hynes talk about how he nervously pumped out 20 sketches out of sheer anxiety because he was handing it to people he respected, only to end up with sub-par work really resonated with me.
And idk! I don't get to talk about it in-depth, especially the emotional and more vulnerable aspects of working in creatives. None of my friends are in the same line of work (pre-production), and I would Not approach my coworkers for this because I get a distinct feeling it will just look like weakness.
It gets a little lonely, not being able to level with another person about something that is my day to day.
The only time I ever have to write is on the train. Today I'm not packed up like sardines, so no one is looking over my shoulder being kaypoh (slang for busybody), so I'll take the chance to write out some thoughts. (Huh...I don't talk about my day-to-day as much as I do my musings/reflections. I have a lot of thoughts that repeat. I'm probably going to write about the same topics and not realise it.)
Anyway! I'm just happy that making this site has pushed me to pick up different things, the stuff I always said I wanted to.
I started doing pixel art again -- nothing fancy, but that I'm animating at all is a feat, since I haven't done that for what must be years. At some point over the years, I convinced myself that this was a medium I only ever did for commission work ( 50 point icons on deviantART, baby!!!), or school, so beyond that scope I've never quiteee made much for leisure? I hope to change that.
I also picked up blender for the nth time, but this round I made a *shader*. I wanted a spinning text logo that sparkles and I was like: "i mean i did get force fed 3D classes in uni so". I did it. I've never done shaders before and it's...fun! I'm quite surprised. (The fact that I don't have to do much extra things for it helps, thanks Blender for being an all-in-one.)
Somewhere down the line, I would like to 3D model an animal crossing version of Haven. A pipe dream at the moment though.
Ah wait the point has gotten away from me. I just wanted to say that I've been meaning to learn these things properly (blender, pixel art, web dev), and never got around to it because I was always afraid I was wasting time? Or the shadow of "UPSKILL FOR PORTFOLIO AND HIREABILITY" always haunted me, so I ended up becoming so miserable I avoided it.
I have...many feelings about art and how it being a career has messed with my perception of it. I still love it too much to stop, but the jadedness and fear is there. So to build this neocities and truly have it for fun, away from everyone that knows me...is extremely freeing.
...
So the lesson here is run into the woods, cut off all my connections and learn to love again!!! (This is the wrong takeaway.)
lmaooo what, my 4 day work weeks are going awayyyy. For about...I think 5 weeks straight, there was a public holiday on every weekend (one being the elections). So while work is still hectic, I feel a little more like a human again.
I also got a chance to *GASP* go out with my friends! We celebrated their collective birthdays in May by singing our hearts out at a karaoke, then having yakiniku. Through this meeting I am suddenly reminded that life is nice actually, and not just whatever the fuck happens day to day at work.
It's at this point where I go on a huge ramble about corporate angst, and how I don't know if I want to stay or leave my job. I decided to leave it out because, while I can get anal about recording what 'might be important' reference for the future, I also don't want to set a precedent where I'm turning this into a vent page only.
A long time ago, my psychologist pointed out I only ever recorded times that I was upset, so I'm trying to make it a point to record happy or entirely mundane things.
Point is, I got to meet my friends. We sang 'Every Time We Touched - Cascada', stood up, jumped around and headbanged. I had a tambourine in my hand shaking to the beat. I caught up with them after months of not meeting, and found out that we are more or less going through the same phase of life. All working adults! Wow. We've been friends for a decade, and I'm happy to have them in my life.
I think I need to make time to see the people I love.
Wow I'm trying not to have this turn into a website progress tracker, but I find that it's most of what I can talk about.
I'll make it quick on that front: Media page is just about ready, needs me to actually write reviews lol. Remodeled my blog so it's just a looongggg scroll instead of a collasping div; while that is probably more accesible and convenient, I don't really want my journal to be convenient to look through.
You gotta scroll to find out my deepest darkest thoughts!!!
Other news...life is going. Work is whatever. I'm finding that, in my first year as a junior concept artist I don't actually enjoy designing? I mean I do sometimes, but it has become quite meh. Perhaps the truth is closer to this, I don't enjoy doing work that is someone else's IP. I find myself daydreaming about the days where I was deep in unemployment hell, but going to art conventions and having full agency over my art.
By no means was it pretty; boothing comes along with its own demons re: making 'general' merchandise for a wider audience, gearing your art to be marketable, being an unrelenting shill etc. But dammit it was mine.
There's this nagging feeling that gets louder as the years go by; if I'm waiting for some point to reach before I give myself permission to make art that I alone liked, and not art that is for clients or a general audience. Chasing the algorithms, trying to become hireable by generalising and adapting, I think I lost something along the way.
I enjoy studio work so far, in the way it's cool to be part of a bigger ship...but I don't know. I don't think I will know what I want until I see more of the world.
...and I also really, really want to be making art for myself.
Trying to work on the Chromezone character page. It'll be my first shot at making this whole site from scratch, without relying on a preexisting layout. The idea is to have 'desktop like' layout to this, with windows that open upon clicking a button. Difficult for a beginner. Why am I doing this.
Because I love making life hard, I spent all my rest time today trying to figure out how to make multiple draggable divs. I only got one to work, but the framework of it...is already wrong for what I want to do.
...Is it time to learn javascript?
I don't think it's time wasted, even if I'll be deleting all my code from today. I learnt that you can stack multiple div classes on top of each other, which makes it so much easier. And that classes have subclasses.
I haven't gotten around to knowing howwww to structure my CSS to be flexible and reusable, though I'm not too stressed about it. Maybe one day I'll look back and cringe at the spaghetti code lol but not now.
Heyyy first post!
i'm writing this as the site is being built, so by the time it actually goes live, it has probably been months.
To start with what I'm presently doing:
I just left my workplace, headed down to get Mapo Tofu from the nearby hawker because my partner was hankering for it. I got to make a detour from my usual route, and saw the evening sky, unmarred by high-rise flats. It was pretty; clear sky with wispy clouds scattered across a gradient of orange.
Today was busy; it has been busy for months. My recent tasks are all game UI so by the end of the day, I was going stir-crazy doing the same thing over and over. Tomorrow will be the same - but that's a tomorrow worry :D
Elections are at the end of the week. I have complicated feelings about my country that I don't want to go into here, but I am curious to see what has shifted since the last nominations.
Anndddd now to continue my neocities reflections!
This is not the first time I've tried my hand at neocities -- my very first was in...must be 2022-ish? Where I fiddled with HTML for the first time, I didn't quite understand it and left. Second was in 2024, another brief stint, but at least this time I got as far as getting the skeleton structure of a homepage out. The most important part was the blog, which I have archived under 2024’s section! Didn't post very much, but that's just how it is with me.
What was different this time were these:
The ease of switching file to file on a side tab, and the instant gratification of seeing changes live without hitting the refresh button on the browser -- mwah. 10/10.
...also the built-in autofills helped a bunch. In this, I appreciate the usability of VSCode. It has helped me improve in leaps and bounds and hey! I actually understand what I'm doing now! I'm not sure how long this will last, given my pension to pick up an interest and put it down quickly, but I will treasure it while it's here.
My job, due to it taking all of my time, has effectively forced me to split up my efforts working on my site into smaller sessions...which, is helping? I think? It prolongs my interest lol and right now I got nothing else going on. Maybe reading House of Leaves.
Hmm yea! I'm running out of things to say!
I could repeat the why part of my presence here, which is also in my about. I think it is a common sentiment for anyone who is on neocities:
Social media SUCKKSS. The climate of the internet right now is horrible, increasingly hostile, and I simply do not feel safe on it!
(Also being on twitter I found I do Not like attention. When my art hits anything above 100 likes I get overwhelmed and have to hide.)
There are many things I feel like I have lost to this capitalistic rat race, and a place for myself and my friends on the interwebs is one of them.
I grew up on the mid to late 2000s web, had my beginnings as an artist on deviantART, so much of my life and identity have been built online. To see what it has become hurts, and this is an attempt to reclaim that.
I don't think that is all to this phenomenon; it's a band-aid at best and for change to happen, there has to be action. But it would be remisted of me to deprive myself of joy when the world is so shit. So uh.
Cozy...cottagecore homepage..!!! Yay..!!!!
(maxing out copium here)
Incidentally, Haven was made specially to allow me to indulge in fancies, away from all stressors in life. So this was all intentional, 100%. Yes.
Okay i must stop rambling. The train ride is ending. I hope to catch you all again (an imaginary audience!) on the next one.
Cyaaaa!
I decided to use zonelets for my blog because it's a lot neater than me hamming it haha.
I also...hm. I was going to write something here, had a topic floating around in my head but I lost it while doing all of this. Perhaps I'll revisit that when it comes back to me, but for now I'll just talk about what's been going on so far!
Recently, I picked up traditional art again. I'm a digital artist by trade, I haven't had any time or reason to use traditional mediums. But I've been on a long string of 'fuck it' since last year, so...
Dug out my copic markers to see if they were still any good, and to my surprise, some still had ink! Some dried out, which is a shame but understandable after what- 7 to 8 years? That's close to a decade! I bought them when I was still in secondary school...
Anyway, a few did work and that was pretty cool.
Similarly, I tried my dip pen again with black India ink. When I first bought it, I didn't know how to use any of them! So I just dunked it in my cabinet, never to see the light of day for years until now. Picking it up again, it was…quite simple, actually! Maybe it's the experience I have now that helped.
A lot of what's spurring me to do traditional art again is mostly to just clear it out. I have so many things that I bought once on a whim and never used! It's also incentive for me to uh, stop giving in to the urge to get more art supplies and hobby materials when I don't actually need it lmao.
Keeps my brain occupied and happy - now that I think about it. Neocities is on the same vein.
I need to talk about how I hop about multiple activities/projects just to keep myself happy one day, Not now though.
My site is held together poorly by tape and bandaids, and I wanted to have it be more presentable before I started making blog entries but I reallly want to write. One day I'll have a proper CSS file to reference back to, but atm it's all...individual styling. Copy and pasted. Quite unfortunate for the future me who has to clean this up.
//edit: I switched to Zonelets real quick, so I ended up not needing to do all of this!
So anyway, hi! Hello. First post, I don't really know what to say.
I'm XXXX. I draw a lot, write a lot ('cept I don't post them much). I wanted a space for myself, a hidey-hole for me to indulge in things I like. I've been told by my partner, lovingly, that I seem to enjoy reorganising the same information over and over. My Evernote, Obsidian, Toyhouse, Notion is all a testament to that. Neocities is just the biggest and most versatile.
...I don't really want to examine that too closely!!! Anyway, like a lot of other people, I'm on this platform to do fuck-all. Also, like a lot of other people, I am...tired lol. I miss the net where I was able to customise my youtube and deviantART page, I miss community spaces, the allowance to have a place of your own without all this corporate, 'professional' junk in the way. Social Media has become too businessy! Too cold! I'm suffering from an extremely bittersweet nostalgia surge so I'm massively coping by being here! --Something or another.
Also idk having like one website to just. Have everything? A place to journal, post art, writing, talk about my OCs without needing to separate my accounts...
I might just be missing old dA a lot lmao.
If there's one thing I'm not so sure about, it's community? I'm not too sure how people...talk to each other here. A part of me would like to hide forever and just build my little empire here, but! I do enjoy the social aspect of being online sometimes. I'll look into what I can do about that, maybe a chatbox or sth.
It doesn't help that I am at a time of my life where the dissonance from adulthood is very prevalent. It's the funny period of 'I feel too young to be in my mid-twenties' and having to be an adult anyway, which I've tried to navigate with grace and failed epicly at. Things are very day-to-day for me right now. So uh, massively coping is accurate.
Perhaps this will help me get closer to becoming a functioning human, just by talking it out. (lmao i wish. nice thought tho)
I would like to be more candid here, something I find difficult on my other accounts by virtue of how public it is. It's exhausting having to keep up an image; I don't think I'm faking anything maliciously when I'm 'on main', just that there's a certain decorum that's expected. I could get into it more but it's like, 1AM and I'm tired. (also idk a part of me wants to be mentally ill openly without an entire audience watching. I would at least like the illusion that no one is looking, so this site works for me!)
(off-tangent, i 100% wanted to start talking about being mentally ill first; the whole reason why i hashed out the blog structure was to do that)
(but i figured it would be kinda bad to start my first blog entry like that lmaoooooooo so (as if this is any better but! thought that counts yea?))
I don't know how to end this! I think I've fulfilled the 'first post' quota, I need to sleep.
Hi world, and good night! Looking forward to fucking around more here.